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It is not necessary to be
bonkers to enjoy these pages - but it certainly helps!
There are several men in the locker
room of a
private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the
benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation
ensues:
- "Hello?"
- "Honey, It's me."
- "Sugar!"
- "Are you at the club?"
- "Yes."
- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where
you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely
gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
- "What's the price?"
- "Only $1,500.00"
- "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it
that much..."
- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes
dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with
the salesman and he gave
me a really good price ... and since we need to
exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
- "What price did he quote you?"
- "Only $60,000..."
- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
- "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
- "What?"
- "It might look like a lot, but I was
reconciling your bank account
and...I stopped by the real estate agent this
morning and I saw the house we had
looked at last year ... it's on sale!!
Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront
property..."
- "How much are they asking?"
- "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I
see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid
$420,000. OK?"
- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!!
I love you!!!"
- "Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and
raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present:
- "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A Devilish Predicament
A man dies and is taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As
he
passes sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he sees a man he recognizes
as
a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair," he cries. "I have to roast for all eternity and that
lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up," barks the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork in a sensitive
place. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
More Profound Thoughts
The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as
stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"?
Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast
in an envelope and send it to someone.
-Jan King
A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play
catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick
up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it,
and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling,
"Hey, come back here with my breast!"
-Linda Ellerbee
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral
palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows.
That's how I originally got pierced ears.
-Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
owned a car.
-Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you
cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My
first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until
I faint.
-Erma Bombeck
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day... When you had all your
teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?
Are your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him. Does your back give you
pain... do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight
Is your blood pressure up and your cholesterol down? Are you eating your low
fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot, keeps you like a well oiled
machine.
If it's football, or baseball...he sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where
it's at...
but forgets what it's for.
So, your gall bladder's gone. But his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not. when you're cold, then he's hot. Then you start
that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go right. Then you get his
great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic, and witty and smart. How'd he turn out to be such a
cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight.
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The
mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly
dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother
finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young
daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by
that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come
by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah,
tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy,
do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, dear, where do you think cab drivers
come from!
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.
"Johnny,
wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to." The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at
our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she
knows how to cook!
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Gender Roles
Before the Gulf War Barbara Walters
did a story on gender roles in
Kuwait. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind
their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the
men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached
one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvellous," she said,
"what enabled women to achieve such respect?" The Kuwaiti woman
replied,
"Land mines."
Lands of Plenty:
Consider the four men travelling on a train in Europe: a retired
American, a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a
lawyer who's also from the United States.
While they are talking, the Cuban takes out four cigars and passes
them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban takes one drag,
then throws it out the window.
"Cigars mean nothing in my country," he says. "We have an abundance of
them."
After dinner, the Russian passes out bottles of vodka. After taking
just one swig, he throws his bottle out the window.
"In Russia," he says, "we have so much vodka it is of no consequence."
The American businessman sits in quiet contemplation for several
minutes then gets up and throws the lawyer out the window.
Viagra
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can
you cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't
get you through sex."
The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty
years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just
want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Profound Statements?!
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he
parks or where
he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad
it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the
better imaginary friend."
--Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion)
"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the
other hand, we can open all our own jars."
--Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't
blame everything on Satan."
--George Burns
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' "
--Sandra Bullock
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind
of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got
millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have
sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask,
'Specify type of goat.'"
--Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
--Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake
whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to
meet people who do."
--Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee
- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
--Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"Honesty is the key to a
relationship. If you can fake
that, you're in."
--Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for
black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
pimps."
--Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill
live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per
cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
--Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
I'm dreaming of a white
Christmas!!
DEAR DIARY.....
Sept. 12. Moved to our new home-in Vermont. It is
so beautiful here! I love it.
Nov. 24. It snowed last night. I woke up to find everything blanketed with
white. It looks just like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow
off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a little snow ball fight, (I
won), and then when the snow-plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway
again. What a beautiful day I love it in Vermont!
Dec 2. Well, all the snow has melted. I hope we get some more.
Dec 12. More snow last night, I love it! The snow-plow did its trick again
at the driveway
Dec.19. More snow. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work-.Am
exhausted from shoveling ******* snow plow!
Dec.22 More of that white s*** fell last night. I've got blisters on my
hands from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the corner and
waits until I'm done with the driveway! A______!
Dec 25. Merry ******* Christmas! More ******* snow! If I ever get my hands
on that son-of-a-***** who drives that snow-plow I swear I'll kill him!
Dec. 27. More white s**** fell last night! Been inside for 3 days! Can't go
anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of snow! The weather man says to expect
another 10" of the white s**** tonight. Do they know how many shovels full
of snow 10" is?
Dec28. The weather man was wrong: We got 144" of the white s****! At this
rate it won't melt 'til ****** August!!!! The snow-plow got stuck just up
the street. The guy asked if he could borrow my shovel. I hit him with it!
Women - doncha jus luv them?
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are
still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they
aren't listening anyway.
Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!
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